Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

turkey head frank

Dear Headless Frank:

I realize that Thanksgiving week is not the time people want to discuss [whisper] corpulence. But I fear the matter can’t wait.

I just read a news report that the global cost of obesity is up to $2 trillion a year. The story noted that’s more than the combined impact of armed violence, war and terrorism.

Obesity has been a health concern for a while—but now things have gotten serious. It’s the economy!

Tell your readers that they can’t wait until after the holidays to take control of their appetites—because continued fatness is just going to make it harder and harder to afford Christmas presents!

Soon the presents at the top of everybody’s Christmas list — ironically, the very ones that made you a couch potato (ack! don’t mention food!) — will no longer be within your family budget because so many families can no longer BUDGE, and it costs everyone.

The economy is about to flounder under the weight of—US! If we keep eating so much, we won’t be able to buy food for our families!

Please help, Headless Frank.
—Bea Large

Dear Bea Large—
Yep, I saw the report and understand your panic and confusion.

Of course, the quickest solution to the obesity problem actually can be found in the economic sector. All that’s required is for clothing manufacturers and retailers to quit selling plus sizes. Right?

Nevertheless [whisper]corpulence is a real problem. Until recently, the main stresses caused by obesity were to our furniture. Now we foresee the possibility of it causing the collapse of larger structures, like when too many obese people go to work in a large office building and the floor gives way. Indeed, the growing impact threatens to topple the whole economy.

On the other hand, is it possible that if we continue to increase the fatness of the global populace the economic impact could render us no longer able to afford armed violence, war and terrorism?

Let’s go with that concept so we can get through the holidays without fretting, shall we?

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.