Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

I know that as a statue of St. Francis, you have a special love for animals. Does that love extend to all of nature? Like do you care about fruits and vegetables? I’m asking for a specific reason: I’ve gotten into the culinary arts lately and would like to develop a signature flavor. Do you have any favorite herbs or spices you like to cook with?
—Cookin' Cal

Dear Cal—
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to state that I care deeply for fruits, berries, vegetable matter and flora. I bear equal affection for all spices.

But I do have a favorite herb that I cook with whenever possible. That would be Herb Fligwood. He has the finest French cookware and every kitchen gadget imaginable! Also his aprons are always fashionable with ample pockets.

Best of all is his chef hat — talk about your signatures. Herb Fligwood’s chef hat has a golden plume!

Whenever Herb Fligwood completes a culinary creation, he sticks his golden plume in it. There is no steak, baked potato or coq au vin so appetizing as one stuck with a golden plume.

I’ve learned a great deal about cooking from Herb Fligwood. One thing is that a plume doesn’t go so well in soup.

But, Cal, I recommend you come up with your own favorites and your own signature.

You see, I’ve had to rely on cooking with Herb Fligwood because it’s hard to do much in the kitchen with your arms cemented to your sides as mine are. Also, I’m a statue without a head. A unique chef hat and plumage are something one instinctively seeks when one’s head falls off.

You are free of that need so you can experiment with all manner of spices and oils and don’t forget that old standby, lard. It can really add heft to your menus—not to mention your thighs.

Be creative. Be confident. Because when it comes to the culinary arts, everything is a matter of taste. Good luck.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.