Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

When you wrote to Wise Owl about unappreciated advice (see Repository of Wisdom), I felt like you were talking to ME! You suggested "scotch tape or mild adhesive applied to the lips." What do you think about double-sided tape?
—FrankFan in VA

Dear Fan O Mine—
I’ve been waiting and hoping a very long time for someone to ask me what I think about double-sided tape, because I think about it SO MUCH. Like all the time. I can’t get it off my mind.

That’s the thing about double-sided tape: You can’t get it off! It’s on my mind because I tried using my mind to get it off my fingers, which I’d used to try to get it off my shirt WHICH my owner had used to get it off HER fingers…you see what I mean.

This certainly teaches you to be thankful for all those things you have on your mind because, except for double-sided tape, you can get everything else off your mind if you want. If anybody ever tells you, "I just can’t get it (him, her, you) off my mind," your correct and informative response is, "Oh, yes you can, unless it’s (he’s, she’s, I’m) double-sided tape."

Freeing oneself from double-sided tape requires another person who then becomes stuck with what was once your burden. It is an unending frustration, believe me, and will destroy the relationship between the adhered-to and the previously-adhered-to.

(By the way, don’t think you can extricate yourself by just putting it on an inanimate object. The ecological ramifications are glacial in both volume and time. It would boggle my mind if it weren’t so preoccupied with the tape!)

My recommendation on double-sided tape under any circumstances is NO!

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.