Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

SHEEPDOTCOM: We have a confession, Headless Frank.

SDC: We went shopping for a St. Anthony statue—just a little one.
HF: They all have heads, right? Ahh, mediocrity persists…

SDC: Yeah, but you know St. Anthony is recognized as a miracle worker.
HF: So did you find one?

SDC: Yes, in a catalog. The deal is it comes with a "removable infant Jesus." See, St. A is holding the infant Jesus, but you can take Jesus out of his hands.
HF: You'd want to do that?

SCD: Apparently so, because the base of the statue contains a DRAWER in which you can store—I kid you not, the catalog says this— "a rosary, a note, or the infant Jesus"!!
HF: Uhhh…

SDC: I know! We’re wondering, too, what's up with that. The catalog explains that you can pray to St. Anthony when you need a special favor or when you are looking for something you've lost. And here's the kicker—WE QUOTE: "People have been known to remove the infant Jesus from St. Anthony's arms until he delivers to them what they long for." Can you even believe that??
HF: Like Jesus is going to stay in the drawer?

SDC: It is bizarre. Stuffing the infant Jesus in a drawer. Of course, we're talking statues here…
HF: That's what really chaps me.

SDC: What?
HF: This just doesn't speak well of statues.

SDC: No, Frank, it's not the statue. It is the user.
HF: Well, people shouldn't USE statues! Such exploitation is the worst form of disrespect. You wouldn't USE me, would you?

SDC: Other than splashing our conversations over the internet, absolutely not.
HF: You wouldn't withhold the infant Jesus statue from me, would you?

SDC: We don't have an infant Jesus statue.
HF: WHAT?! No Jesus in your house?

SDC: Oh, wait! Yes, we have one—with the Christmas creche.
HF: Can I have it?

SDC: It's in with the Christmas decorations!
HF: So?

SDC: So, it's wrapped up in newspaper in a box with the shepherds and wise men.
HF: Can't I have it?

SDC: What, like for a pet?
HF: No! for my infant Jesus?

SDC: It's packed away in the basement!
HF: You're withholding the infant Jesus from me?

SDC: Geez! Okay...
HF: Wait—I need one of those drawers…

SDC: Later, Frank.
HF: Signing off: Medullah oblongata.