Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

Sheepdotcom: We'd like to introduce you to everybody.

Headless Frank: EVERYBODY? That would take all eternity.

SDC: We mean everybody who's here.
HF: Yes! Well, hello, everyone. Welcome to my milieu.

SDC: Your milieu, Frank?
HF: My patio statue milieu, yes. For instance, I want to open my arms to you, but obviously they are stuck in this position--forever, by the way--so in my milieu, you'll need to use your imagination a bit.
SDC: If we've come to listen to a patio statue wouldn't you say that's likely a sine qua non?
HF: Sine qua, I always say.

SDC: So, Headless Frank, what happened?

HF: What do you mean?
SDC: To your head...

HF: Oh,yes. Well, one day I was out standing--as usual, haha--in the yard and I saw a lawnmower come speeding toward me!
SDC: Did you run?
HF: Do you still not recognize my inherent limitations?
SDC: Oooooh...sorry.

HF: Anyway, I took a direct hit. The guy pushing the mower didn't mean it. BUT I lost my head.
SDC: You know, Frank, we all lose our heads from time to time...

HF: But not literally.
Me? I literally lost my head--it fell off.

SDC: Yeah. We've never had that experience.

HF: You don't want to. It's unnerving, so to speak.
SDC: Listen Frank, people are going to want to know: Are you, like, St. Francis of Assisi?

HF: Yeah, I'm like St. Francis of Assisi. But the operative word is LIKE.
SDC: Explain.

HF: I'm not St. Francis of Assisi. For one thing, a conversation with a real saint is cosmic.
SDC: And a conversation with you?

HF: Is concrete.

SDC: Funny, Frank.
HF: And true.

SDC: So now you want to talk with us?
HF: Oh, yeah! Once my head came off all my knowledge and stuff just started spewing forth. So bring me your concerns.

SDC: Do we talk to your head, or into your neck?
HF: My neck, of course. As you can see my medulla oblongata is exposed...

SDC: Omigosh, you have a MEDULLA OBLONGATA?
HF: Remember the imagination thing we talked about?
Anyway, you talk straight into my neck and I'll speak to you from my very marrow.

SDC: You mean emotions could run high? We didn't realize you could get, uh, hot under the collar.
HF: ...I think we're done here for today.

SDC: Wait, Frank, if you don't mind, we'd--

HF: Oh, I don't mind--I CAN'T mind! Because I don't HAVE A MIND, remember? My head fell off.
SDC: Um-hmmm.

HF: Nah, I'm fine with it. So, everyone, come with your questions, your angst, your utterances...
SDC: We can bring our utterances?
HF: I welcome your utterances. I'll have a field day with your utterances...
SDC: Yeah. Well, later, Frank.

HF: Okay then, I'll sign off: Medulla oblongata.