Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

On a recent plane trip, I noticed that the flight attendant introduced the crew by first names only, including the pilot, "Captain Dave." When young people withhold their names at parties, I feel disrespected. But on this plane, it seemed like "Sesame Street." Am I getting soft in the, um, head?
—Frank Partsch, Omaha

Dear Frank Partsch—
Omigosh, surely you know by now we live in a mean, prying society in which admitting to your full real name is fraught with danger. For instance, after your letter is printed here, Sesame Street freaks are likely to track you down—you watch. They’ll threaten to have your local PBS station membership card taken away. And then where will you be, Frank Partsch?!

Not that I’m paranoid. I always introduce myself at parties by my full name. Of course, that’s because in the past, when I’ve come up to a young stranger and said, "Hi, I’m Headless," he would usually respond, "It’s obvious, man," or more obsequiously, "Really? I didn’t notice. Awesome robe."

But don’t be too hard on young people at parties. They still believe the world revolves around them, so they think everyone already knows their name.

I really think you should’ve signed your name Frank P. That’s the way first graders identify themselves, and personally, I like their style.

"Emma S." doesn’t give too much away but acknowledges the existence of Emma R. or Emma J. She still appreciates being in a world with others but isn’t quite sure they won’t try to hack into her email.

As for "Captain Dave," I know that guy and why his flight crew decided on first names only. Yeah, that’s good ol’ Dave Miteejectanyminut.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.