Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

Please settle an argument. For All Saints Day, I sent my friend a greeting card that said, "Saintliness is next to Godliness." He called me up to insist that saintliness is NOT next to godliness. He said something else is, but he’s not sure what. Anyway, who’s right? We’ve agreed to believe whatever you say.
—Godliness Seeker

Dear Seeker—
I’m with your friend. Saintliness is not next to godliness. Speaking from years of experience as a saint on a patio, I can tell you saintliness is next to a hibiscus.

Here’s why that’s important to anyone who cares about saints in general and headless saints (like me) in particular. The hibiscus is the dumbest plant in the history of the universe. To be next to a hibiscus day after day, year after year, is a test!

You probably know that one of the requirements for being a saint is to have performed a miracle, and I have personal knowledge that being next to a hibiscus—listening to asinine theories on everything from phlebotomy* to photosynthesis* for months on end—without losing your mind is miraculous indeed!

I have reason to be upset about this. I believe I was put next to the hibiscus because I’d already lost my mind in my now well-chronicled head-falling-off accident. So no miracle and therefore no sainthood for me. Worse, I’ll ALWAYS be next to a hibiscus, so there’s no hope of being next to godliness, either.

But you and your friend don’t have to be next to a hibiscus. So try to be saintly and next to godly, too, just because you can. It’ll make the world a better place. After all, that’s what the saints and God want for us.

*No need to relate these as they are simply the rantings of a tiresome, whacky hibiscus.

Signing off: Medullah oblongata.

PS—Your friend is remembering the adage that "cleanliness is next to godliness," but I think that was just put forward by some neat freak with a religious agenda.