Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

Dear Headless Frank:

I have a question for you in honor of our nation’s birthday. Who is your favorite American icon?
—Patriotic Guy

Dear PG—
To choose among the many American heroes, I’d really like to get inside their heads, but I can’t do that. Fortunately, there’s a saying among headless statues that speaks specifically to comparing American icons. It is this:

ThomasJefferson Frank

You can’t get into their heads, so try to fuse their heads onto yourself. You need a head, anyway.

The only iconic American head lying around in my vicinity was Thomas Jefferson. But luckily we fuse quite nicely, and so he is my favorite.

I’d like to explain more but under the circumstances (Mr. Jefferson’s head) all I can think of right now is life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness—or "happineff" as his handwriting put it.

Nevertheless, this is a welcome change from my usual concerns, which are an inanimate existence, being exploited in perpetuity by birds and small mammals and the pursuit of fusing American icons’ heads onto myself.

Let freedom ring.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.