Dear Headless Frank:

What kind of god lets you grow beautiful, thriving green zucchini plants and then doesn’t put a single zucchini on them? This is my fourth crop of barren zucchini plants. Do you Franks have special powers? If I put a St. Francis statue in my garden will my plants bear fruit?

—Frustrated Grower

Dear Grower—
Yes, we have special powers and they are very close to what you need. But not quite. I’m afraid our powers don’t extend to making plants bear fruit. We can, however, make bears plant fruit!

Among our more widely sought powers is making grizzlies plant watermelons and pandas cultivate new varieties of citrus through creative grafting. The latter is popular in zoos—the only places that allow St. Francis statues near their pandas. But honestly, after the first couple of graftings of the day, spectators inexplicably tend to drift over to the giraffes who can’t plant squat. Go figure.

I suspect the solution to your zucchini problem may be found in answering your first question. You may be praying to the wrong guy. Yes, I know there is only one true God, but go back and read Genesis. Anything about zucchini?

No. If you read between the lines you’ll see you need a patron saint for this: Isidore. My recommendation is Headless Izzy a replica farmer who, without cranial burden, can intercede for you directly with the soil and offer hope. And as Izzy has famously said (read between the lines again), "What more could you want than a zucchini-filled future?"

Signing off: Medullah oblongata.