Jane Ann's Astrological Forecast

Jane Ann

August 2013

ARIES—Friends trust you to keep their secrets safe. True, the government has records of every phone call and email you’ve ever sent over the last decade, but they say they don’t look at the content. Right. Anyway, if your friends want you to keep confidential info about panty hose, waterfowl, actual vampires, diamonds from Cannes or their mango liqueur recipe, insist on face-to-face meetings.

SILVERADO (formerly TAURUS)—The stars seem to think of Taurus not as a bull but as a wimpy kind of car so have endowed you with a new name this month. But your horoscope says give serious consideration to the environment. That means you can be a Silverado but don’t drive one. Think green, eat green, act green but be cautious. Something that appears to be a green opportunity might be just moldy.

LEO (my sign) —This is birthday month for some of you and the stars favor Leo’s once again. Romance, career, investments and chocolate are on the rise—STILL! Okay, we Leo’s should tone it down lest the other signs think we’re gloating, but OMIGOSH we are always awesome, apparently. Our stars actually say: "Humility wanes." I’m sure I don’t even know what that means.

CANCER, GEMINI & VIRGO—Don’t dwell on the past. One thing is for sure: change. I know that’s depressing if the past has been wonderful. I don’t get why you shouldn’t dwell on something wonderful. The stars have some crazy ideas. Maybe buy some extra insurance, though.

LIBRA, SCORPIO & SAGITTARIUS—Don’t make impulsive decisions, especially about wine. Consider the bouquet, swish it around awhile, hold it up to the light, see how it looks on your carpet, the sofa, dribbled on your lap. Dip your finger in it, lick it off, wait a few minutes to see if you’re allergic to sulfates. Pour some in the dog’s bowl and note whether she wags her tail or gags. Then decide.

CAPRICORN—You are drawn to nature by the smell of freshly turned earth and the silvery glow of the moon. Follow the call of the cosmos. Buy a worm farm.

AQUARIUS—Hey! It IS the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. But stay calm. Dawning of an entire age can last for years. But begin to prepare for it. Stock up on batteries and bottled water at the least. Also, it’s time to check the expiration dates on your canned goods. Really, what did you think the Age of Aquarius was? It’s an age of canning.

PISCES—Family and friends figure into all your plans. Don’t be afraid to make last-minute changes to your schedule that throws everybody else into disarray. Family and friends always forgive and forget. But keep some gratitude handy.

THE BIG DIPPER —You always get to pick through others’ horoscopes for gems to live by. It’s time you shared some of your own largess. Be generous and when you donate, make sure the socks and underwear are in new, unopened packages. Same for the macaroni and cheese—I can’t believe the stars have to tell you this.