Jane Ann's Astrological Forecast

Jane Ann

August 2014

LEO (my sign) — Nothing short of Wholeness is in your August forecast. The stars predict wealth, romance and fame, obviously meaning YOU’LL GET A CALL TO BE ON THE BACHLORETTE!! Don’t say it’s just a TV show. Wealth, romance, fame and TV are all one thing, and that’s what I call Wholeness. Leo’s, this is your life (which also was a TV show once, so see? Wholeness).

VIRGO, LIBRA & SCORPIO — The stars say two things for you: 1) Don’t donate or let your generosity lead you to the poorhouse and 2) Avoid conflicts with colleagues and peers. So I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do if one of your colleagues asks you to contribute to her charity. Probably the best solution would be to donate your hair. That way you avoid conflict with your colleague but don’t end up in the poorhouse, either. Believe me, they won’t let you in with that hideous haircut, anyway.

SAGITTARIUS — Your forecast is the opposite of the Virgo-Libra-Scorpio crew. That is to say be generous with your money, especially to those in great need. At least you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror… thanks to not having to give away your hair.

Note to the bald: Ignore all references to donating hair. You should know this, but if you’re going to keep being so touchy about hair, I recommend you go to the bald people horoscope.

CAPRICORN, AQUARIUS & PISCES — Good fortune is coming your way so keep your eyes on the future and be open to all possibilities. Like your good fortune might come in the form of really great insoles. Despite what Leo’s might tell you (and they think everybody wants to be them), good fortune is not only about money, love and notoriety. It can just as well be about foot comfort. Think about it: Would you rather be rich and famous hiking around Paris all day in stiletto heels, or obscure, middle class and playing putt-putt while feeling like you’re walking on air?

THE BIG DIPPER — Speaking of Paris, hitch your star to a Leo this month and you’ll probably find yourself not only rich and televised, but also playing putt-putt on the banks of the Seine in really great insoles. Wealth and fame AND foot comfort for you—in France! Oops, sorry, I misread the stars. Forget the wealth and fame. They do predict a lot of putt-putt, but the Paris part was just where you have to hit the ball through a replica of the Eiffel Tower. Omigosh, what if your really great insoles get a hole in one?…

ARIES & TAURUS — Stop worrying and focus your mind on the things that matter—like fat and cholesterol. Few things matter more these days than those two. Maybe riboflavin, but it is really hard to focus your mind on riboflavin.

GEMINI & CANCER — Don’t go out of your way to try to impress your peer group. It’s not going to happen because they’re too busy trying to impress you. Find a neglected somebody and offer a compliment. You’ll come to see (in more ways than one) that impressions are in the eye of the beholder.