Jane Ann's Astrological Forecast

Jane Ann

December 2013

December is like THE star month. Remember the star that kings from everywhere followed and it led them to the savior of the world? Well, I think that happened in December.

So I’m just saying: No matter what your astrological forecast tells you, if you see THAT STAR, drop everything else and follow IT. To entertain yourself in the meantime, here’s the lesser stuff:

SAGITTARIUS — This is a good month for you to just break out in song. But do not try "Good King Wenceslas" because you’ll just trip over his name. I mean who puts a name like that in a song? When you break out in song you've got to exhibit confidence. And while singing, keep a 360-degree lookout because accordion players are known to show up at the least provocation. Provoked accordion players are the worst kind, and once they get started, no matter how earnestly you want to sing sweet melodies of love and longing, you’re going to end up with "Pop Goes the Weasel."

CAPRICORN — Those under this sign don’t need to break out in song, because you are going to break out in hives. Yes, it’s right there in the stars. So you can look forward to a month of ointment. Try not to handle glassware.

AQUARIUS — I promise not to talk about the coming of your AGE this time—oops, sorry, it slipped out (I must’ve had some of Capricorn’s ointment on my tongue, haha…gross). But wait—Aquarians actually have a very good chance of coming of age in December. Look for signs of maturity: a change in your vocabulary, say, or bunching at your ankles; the need to "go" more often; panting at the top of the stairs; loss of appetite (yeah, right). These are all signals that you may be coming of age. For more information, ask your doctor.

PISCES, ARIES & TAURUS — Stop waffling and make a decision for once. Let me suggest the beignets. Watch out for powdered sugar (and this is a universal warning, not just for when eating beignets). Take initiative unless you need to wait a couple of weeks. Anyway, just learn to be more decisive. Or not.

GEMINI & CANCER — Give yourself some time off to relax and rejuvenate. The Christmas season is a terrible time to do that so I have no idea what the stars are thinking! I mean there’s nothing like relaxing and rejuvenating only to be overwhelmed by having to play catch-up with all the baking, shopping, getting the lights hung and Christmas cards out that you’ve left to the last minute. Good luck with sleeping in heavenly peace, guys.

LEO (my sign) — Unburden yourself of responsibility. It’s a month for fun, fun, fun. I mean it. Don’t let anybody put ANY responsibility on you. If they try, just decline because that’s what’s going to happen to you anyway. This month, repeat this mantra: I am not responsible… I am not responsible… I am not responsible. I promise, if you say it enough you will, indeed, become totally irresponsible. P.S.—I know repeat a mantra is redundant, especially if you do it over and over.

VIRGO & LIBRA — Time for a change. Look at some new philosophies. Maybe consider the Hegelian dialectic, like when you’re torn between wearing the red sweater or the green sweater you resolve the issue by wearing a hideous shade of brown sweater. If you’ve ever seen a picture of Hegel you’ll notice that’s exactly what he has on. Seriously, there are other nice philosophies to choose from: egalitarianism, realism, fanaticism (woo-hoo!), altruism, epiphenomenalism—okay, I found that one on a list (anyway, it’s just a fancy name for dualism); wikipedism (a philosophical hole). Just find one you like and give it a shot.

SCORPIO — Wherever you go, bring something: Good will to all people. If you can do this, I hope everybody else gets to run into you at least once this month.

THE BIG DIPPER —As always, you may select from all this month’s horoscopes. Looks like some great choices: singing, rejuvenation, isms, ointment. I hope you pick Scorpio.