Jane Ann's Astrological Forecast

Jane Ann

July 2014

CANCER — Don’t make a fuss over small annoyances. Knee socks with flip-flops would be the exception here, in which case you don’t want to make eye contact while still making a strong suggestion. Otherwise, remember it’s your birthday month. No fussing. This will probably help you get more presents.

LEO (my sign) — Everything you do this month will be marked by excellence! Toast yourself—if that makes you think of using a toaster instead of champagne, please leave our sign.

VIRGO & LIBRA — Pay attention to domestic matters. Do your bathroom towels match? Are you keeping up with the houseplants? I sure hope so on that second one, because you’d hate to be outdone by say a ficus. Like what can a ficus do that you can’t keep up with?! Be cautious of laziness, especially your own. (Don’t worry so much if it’s the ficus that’s lazy…in fact, that might allow you to keep up.)

SCORPIO — Don’t let the Affordable Care Act scare you. I swear, people are waving it around like a gun. If you need insurance, get it—maybe the ACA can help, but it won’t shoot you. Insurance is nothing to be afraid of. Insurance companies are another story.

SAGITTARIUS & CAPRICORN — Work on your intellect this month. Read Voltaire or omigosh, try James Joyce! Now there’s a head beater for you. You could also exercise your intellect by following geek instructions to load your computer with software you'd rather not pay for. Then you can exercise your lawyer’s intellect. But you’d be in much better shape afterward than if you did the James Joyce option.

AQUARIUS — Swimming looks good for you in July. After all, your sign is named after the Latin word for water (I think). Water definitely is in your forecast. Wait—it’s water AND yellow grass (crocus herbus!) in your forecast, so that means inflatable pool or a slip and slide on your front lawn. But be sensitive to the neighborhood ambience and restrict slip and slide participants to persons under 200 pounds.

THE BIG DIPPER — Spend some time with a Sagittarius or Capricorn—specifically to teach them that piracy is not a victimless crime.

EVERYBODY ELSE — Be a team player. Let someone else have the limelight and wait for your chance later. There’s no point in being in the limelight if there’s no tequila around, anyway. While others are shining, be sure you are applying sunscreen.