Jane Ann's Astrological Forecast

Jane Ann

June 2013

Forecast for June:

ARIES — Don’t give up the ship! That is, unless you can get a good price for it. Stay calm and don’t overreact. A new coat of paint could be the answer—omigosh, that’s it! I mean for everything: Love life on the rocks? Give it a new coat of paint. DaVinci’s Mona Lisa still getting under your skin? Yep, new coat of paint. It’s drastic, but you’ve got to think about Number One. Good luck sneaking the can of Fire Engine Red into the Louvre.

TAURUS—Good times roll for you in June. Explore new interests, spend freely. Like this is the month to buy a new pair of shoes—specifically, some with a tiny, acrylic one-fish aquarium in the heel! I’m not just talking about gals. In fact, the stars are predicting aquarium heels in June to be most effective among male construction workers—mainly in masonry—and likely will lead to a Silverado in your near future. Don’t ignore this.

(Also, rest assured if there were a Silverado zodiac sign, there would be a Taurus in their future. BUT no such thing. Yet.)

GEMINI—Please go to the Louvre and save the Mona Lisa!

CANCER—Save your money and have a staycation. Try to develop a positive attitude toward above-ground pools and the discount tickets (in the paper every week) for the local can opener museum. It’s super educational.

LEO—(My sign.) Wow. Everything is on the plus side for me…I mean US…again! We seem to be golden. And I mean literally. You know all those ads in the paper and on TV for people to put their gold in an envelope and send it off to unknown gold merchants and receive hundreds of dollars in return? The stars are foretelling a postal debacle this month resulting in all those envelopes somehow being misdirected to the mailboxes of Leo’s! Learn to deal—the gold merchants will come calling. By the way, resist the urge to wear the jewelry. Way tacky.

VIRGO—Be cautious about going along with the crowd. Make your own decisions. Oh, but don’t get too self-actualized, this only refers to choosing the right type of grass seed.

LIBRA—Lean on friends who are slightly larger than you. It’s always helpful, but especially this month when you are likely to be called upon to move two or three pianos. Keep some sheet music handy in case it looks like a talent showcase opportunity. If you don’t know how to play the piano, this will be a very ordinary month for you, but you probably need one after driving all those harps around the country the first half of the year. I salute your dedication to the arts.

SCORPIO—Don’t be hasty, particularly about history. It’s still going to be there tomorrow. What you do want to treat with some urgency are your “uns.” That is unpaid bills, untied shoes and the unthawed turkey you thought you were going to cook for 15 dinner guests this evening.

BIG DIPPER—There’s a great deal for you to scoop up in other parts of this horoscope. You get to choose what you’d like this month. May I suggest Leo’s gold, Taurus’ shoes and combining Pisces’ creativity with Scorpio’s frozen turkey.

SAGITTARIUS—People love everything about you this month. Take advantage of your magnetism and use it for good. Eliminate hunger, cure diseases, wipe out oppression and bring lasting peace. No pressure, though.

CAPRICORN—Unlike Cancer, the stars do line up for you to take a long trip to distant lands. The main thing is to pack wisely. That means no paisley luggage. Take your time and soak up the culture. Learn the words for "beer" and "you have the best cheese" in as many languages as possible.

AQUARIUS—Join a book club. Knowledge will set you free. It’s okay if the club you choose reads science fiction. That’ll set you even freer than regular knowledge. But strive to stay grounded—like avoid costumes.

PISCES—Your creativity blossoms this month! Prepare for it by collecting clothespins, buttons, shoeboxes and various colors of string. Pay close attention to how you use fixatives, adhesives and lacquers. Don’t get so giddy (about your creativeness, you understand) that you forget your responsibilities to the ozone layer.