From the Sheeplog Experts...

Jane Ann

Jane Ann

TOPIC: "If life gives you lemons…"

I’m coming to understand my role as a horoscoper. See, the horoscope basically says your life is determined by the stars. You only have control over how you deal with what the stars have in store for you. My job is to give you the good or bad news so you can prepare to deal.

As I consulted the stars this week, I realized that they are giving every sign of the zodiac a lemon right now. Either a sour lemon, a lemon car or lemon golfing trousers. The worst of those, of course, are the golfing trousers so let’s get that out of the way before everybody sweats through their waistband worrying it’s them.

It’s Libra.

Libras, your current horoscope reads as follows: "Travel is in your forecast. Leave room in your suitcase as you will receive lemon golfing trousers from an unexpected source, likely in the middle of the night."

With conditions being so lemonic for everybody, I’ve dedicated this column to helping you make a good response for the age-old concern, "If life gives you lemons…"

EXAMPLE: If life gives you lemon golfing trousers don’t get juiced before the back nine.

First off, I did some research and found out that, generally speaking, if life gives you lemons, you’re in luck! Like lemons are good for all kinds of stuff. They can whiten your teeth, lighten your hair, relax your feet AND your mind, prevent your skin from wrinkling (not recommended for elephants or shar peis), get rid of corns, cure dandruff, baldness, high blood pressure and obesity especially if you follow the one-lemon (and-nothing-but-one-lemon)-a-day diet.

So as you read this latest horoscope, take heart, if life gives you lemons, you don’t have to make lemonade. I always wondered what to do if, say, life gave you lemons and it was the dead of winter in Duluth, you know? What kind of advice is "make lemonade" in that situation?? Also, when it is the dead of winter in Duluth and life gives you lemon golfing trousers, my guess is it’s probably to fuel the fire.

Now let’s look at your lemon horoscope:

SCORPIO & SAGITTARIUS—Get rich quick schemes will go sour. If life gives you a too good to be true (lemon) opportunity, try to squeeze out of it.

CAPRICORN, AQUARIUS, PISCES—Really, it STILL is not the dawning of the age of Aquarius. But you are the ones who should not buy a car anytime soon as you will get a lemon. So if life gives you a lemon, give it back.

ARIES, TAURUS, GEMINI and the BIG DIPPER—Success is partly inspiration and partly perspiration, remember? If you are inspired in any way, be sure to eat a lemon immediately as it will purify your fluids and you will end up with sweet, sweet perspiration.

CANCER, LEO (my sign) and VIRGO—Oh my goodness, you are on a path to be invited to all the best parties and treated to weekends in the Bahamas. If life hands you lemons they will probably turn to gold nuggets. Don’t bother to share them with other signs because they will just turn right back into lemons under the circumstances (alignment of the stars).